Adult Son Hesitates To Spend Mom’s Money On Her Care

It’s an issue for some adult children with aging parents. When the elders need care, there is resistance to using the parent’s own funds to cover the cost of caregiving. It’s puzzling.

For example, faithful son (FS) has been taking care of his mom by himself for 25 years. He lives in her home and pays all the bills. He works full time at a physically demanding job. No siblings help in any way. All are estranged. Mom, now 90 years old, fell, had to be hospitalized and then went to rehab. Prior to that, she was fine at home during the weekdays. After the fall, she got very depressed, as she lost her independence. FS has to work to support himself and Mom, though Mom does have some savings and a house that is free and clear. FS sought advice at AgingParents.com. He said he felt guilty using her money to hire the caregiver we urged him to hire.

The Advice

Sometimes when a person is so close to a problem it is hard to see the way through it. That was FS’s problem. He was used to Mom being independent and he would go to work without worrying about her, over years. Now, her fall has triggered a cascade of events that changed everything. He has to adapt to the notion that Mom’s savings are for her, and he is in charge of using it for what she needs. He was appointed as her “attorney-in-fact” on her Power of Attorney document. It’s a new role. We at AgingParents.com urged him to do the job of providing a caregiver for Mom while he is at work. She can’t get out of bed by herself, and this care is essential.

The Inner Conflict

FS struggles with having now to tell his Mom how it’s going to be. He has to sell her valuable set of gold coins and liquidate stocks. He may need to encumber the house. Whaever the cost, he has to meet her need for caregiving. So far, he has to spend $600 a day for the help. We’re not sure why he feels guilty, but he expresses this. We encourage him to get past that emotion and focus on Mom’s basic need for safety. At her age, she may not last much longer, due to multiple medical conditions.

Planning Ahead

When aging parents are healthy and independent, even at advanced ages, family has a tendency to operate as if that independence can last indefinitely. Typically, our society seems to be in denial of the reality that older people decline as they age. Few actually take the time to figure out in advance what financial resources are available and to calculate even the cost of a part time caregiver, if needed. FS never did that. Now he has to scramble to make a lot of financial decisions. Added to that, he has to supervise the caregiver and keep the cash flowing to pay her. It’s a lot on his shoulders. He is proud that he has supported her for so long, but now, she has to pay for something she never needed before.

The Takeaways

If you have aging loved ones who are doing just fine now, don’t expect that to remain exactly the same to the end of their lives. Most people do need help as they age. Sadly, our society and Medicare do not cover long term care at home. This is exactly the problem FS has: there is no source of payment other than out of pocket to keep Mom out of a nursing home long term. Every family with aging adults should take the time to look ahead, calculate the cost of a home care worker, and be sure there are resources on hand to cover it. Maybe you’ll need it and maybe not, but consider the odds. You can be faced with a difficult decision about finances when you weren’t expecting it. It can be agonizing to deal with an aging parent who wants to stay at home after an crisis, but the family can’t pay for the needed care to keep your loved one at home.

For tips on getting a home care worker, see this short book, Hiring A Home Care Worker: What Could Possibly Go Wrong? Guidance about this largely unregulated industry can save you from serious mistakes.